He Couldn’t Breathe

My journal after hearing and reading the headlines about the public execution of George Floyd. No edits.

I don’t know where this will go, I cannot fully gather my thoughts to sound intelligent right now. I also cannot sit silent either.

I sit here looking at a picture of this man. 

Not the pictures that are swirling on all platforms currently, taken near the police cruiser taken that fateful day in May. Those are still too painful to look at longer than a few seconds for me.  Those are pictures and videos of this man in his last 9 minutes of life. Pictures that inject pain, deeper than I can find words to describe at the moment. I cannot watch or look at those pictures or video’s yet, maybe never. I cannot watch another Black man killed on camera.  I am tempted to search for those captured moments so I can invoke more of the feelings, maybe purge some of the rage, but it is too painful.  This one picture however is of Mr. Floyd, taken previously perhaps by a loved one I’m sure; standing tall, a proud and confident Black man, shoulders broad with strength, a smile infectious to anyone nearby I’m sure, a member of his culture, his community, a father, a son, a brother. A human being.  

Every quick glance I’ve seen during the scrolling has taken my breath away.  It has caused a stirring of grief, of anger, of anxiety.  This man who I’ve read called for his deceased mom. Begged for her, begged for his life.  

His stomach hurt, his everything hurt.  As this pathetic evil being proceeded to sink his knee further into his neck with such a look of pride on his face.  Such a look of supremacy.  “I can’t breathe” falling on ignorant ears of other beings who were supposed to serve and protect. Serve and preserve life at all costs and yet they also stood there.  Accomplice’s to murder. I’m not ready to call them men at this time.  God please forgive me, I just can’t right now.

When does this stop?

The world went into isolation due to a ‘pandemic’ 3 months ago.  I take nothing away from those who have suffered and lost during this time.  I have and will continue to pray for all.

But this……

The Black man has been in both an epidemic and pandemic since dare I say the beginning of time.  Black people as a whole have been hated, disregarded, dismissed, used, feared, abused to name a few, and it continues to be a crises that seemingly has been ignored and excused. The virus that is racism is global and change is desperately needed.

We have to do more. Every single one.  Staying silent is not an option.  We must use wisdom.  Organize.  Gather resources.  Vote.  Unite.  Educate.  Talk.  Mobilize. Laws need to be changed, law enforcement policies need to be changed. Enforcement hiring procedures and requirements need re-examination and change. And honestly hearts and minds need to first be changed overall if we are ever to have sustainable change.

“I can’t breathe.”  Stifled.  We must do more.  This cannot continue.  This is not normal.  

Folks are angry, frustrated, hurt, brokenhearted, seething.  The media will now as usual attempt to corrupt what information we are given, and how it is given to us.  I’ve already heard a few times that Mr. Floyd was ‘known’ to police.  This had nothing to do with how known he was. This. Was. Murder. We must seek truth.  We must not lie down.  We must not allow ‘desensitized’ to be our normal.  “Another one”, cannot be our response.  And yes it affects us all, no matter how you try to distance yourself from it.  Distancing only adds to the problem.  I’ve had to answer people who have asked why am I bothered since I live in Toronto Canada, and this happened in the States.  Comments like this are part of the problem.  Of course I’m bothered. Borders do not eliminate racism, and it is certainly a prevalent issue in Canada so really??

This is also not the time for bandwagon jumping either.  This cannot be a fad.  Black Lives Matter is not a fashion statement or the latest rage.  Black lives matter is a truth that needs to be recognized and felt by all.  And for those spouting “all lives matter” in defiance; I wish that were a true statement.  I wish treatment and justice was the same for all lives.  That all lives were judged equally based on the content of character, virtue, and integrity.  But that is not so. I have faith that it is absolutely possible, but right now; clearly all lives do not matter. There is so much work to do. I’ll write more on this another time.

I can’t breathe. 

He couldn’t breathe.

And now Breonna.

This hurts.